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Friday, April 11, 2003
How’m I Doin’?Well, I finally came to a decision: I am not going to leave my job on May 27, as I had intended. With a new boss and a new atmosphere in the office, my job satisfaction has improved beyond all expectations; and with the economy in the shithole, a bird in the hand is worth rather more than two in the bush (although setting two birds loose in Bush sounds like fun... I vote for California condors, or bald eagles). Between these two factors, the lack of group insurance and the lack of upward mobility or of a motivating rewards system (my other reasons for leaving, besides the emotionally poisonous atmosphere created by the former boss) pale into insignificance.
One thing, though... since I'm staying, I am now in on the Evaluation Process that the new boss is trying to complete in order to pass his next year's staffing recommendations on to the executive body for approval. Which means that I have to write a self-evaluation before the end of the day: a description of my tasks and responsibilities (aside from the Job Description I wrote last month), followed by a description of what talents I bring to those tasks, and finishing up with a description of areas that could be improved. I have never written a self-evaluation before, of course, since the former boss never bothered with evaluating the contracted professional staff whose contracts call for annual evaluations, much less requiring such a thing of the uncontracted clerical staff. But the new boss is thorough, if nothing else.
I find it very difficult to gain a correct and honest perspective on my own job performance. So much of my self-esteem is involved — and any time my self-esteem gets involved, perspective goes right out the window. The two most important components of a self-evaluation are to describe what I'm especially good at, and to discuss those areas where I could improve. And while it's fairly easy to simply "get into character" and let Marlénè sing my praises (she has no trouble with low self-esteem, quite the opposite), I fear that any shortcomings I profess under the banner of "areas where I could improve" would raise an expectation that I would, in fact, improve upon them. And this is where I get a little wobbly.
For example, one of my major shortcomings here is my ever-shifting mood swings, which some days make me SuperSecretary and some days make me SuperSurlySloth. I can go several weeks operating as a paragon of the clerical arts, my cape flowing in the breeze while beams of celestial light emanate from my person, and then can turn right around and give you three weeks of quite startling ineptitude, like Stan Laurel after a few bong-hits. And even in my upward swings of energy and efficiency, I can't always overcome the slovenly messes that I make in my downward swings. Like the stacks and stacks of anonymous papers that I have instead of a useful filing system.
Now, that is certainly an area that can use improvement, but I don't know how to improve on it, or even if it is possible for me to improve. It seems to me just one of those little untidinesses of life, a condition that must be accepted rather than a problem that can be solved. But is that true? Or is it just my native laziness refusing to work any harder than I feel like?
Another area where I feel myself inept is my inability to say NO to my "superiors," which quite often leads me to take on more tasks than I can actually handle. I allow people to overload me with responsibilities, and then when my mood swings down I become immediately overwhelmed, leaving an ever-increasing number of tasks undone or done badly. With certain people, I have often found it easier to just say I'll do something and then not do it, or do it late and half-assedly, rather than speak up and say that I won't do it and you can't make me. This is something that I actually want to improve upon, but how do I express it in such a way that I don't look like a lazy whiner?
Oh, well, I'm sure the answer will come to me eventually. One of my known talents, which I am perfectly comfortable crowing over, is my skill with the written word. If truth fails me, I'll just make something up that sounds good.
But in the meantime, I am now going to take a sinfully long lunch break (part of my new schedule with my new boss is a half-hour unpaid lunch, and I never take more than ten minutes for lunch but still work the extra time on the end of the day, so I save up all the extra off-time for Friday, when there's nobody here to stop me). I must walk up to Jack London Square, where I am told there is a little shop dealing with Japanese imports, which carries a most dazzling array of tea things... I am going to see if I can find some of those cast-iron teapots with the built-in strainers that I was hunting earlier in the week (God, was that only four days ago? This has been a very long week).
Later...6:25 p.m.
Okay, so I finally finished my self-evaluation. It took me forever, and I got so wrapped up in it that I forgot to go to eBay and buy that lovely mink scarf that went for $11.50! On the other hand, I did have my long lunch and found the iron teapots... which were surprisingly and prohibitively expensive ($80), so I ended up not buying any after all. Oh well.
Here are the sole and lonely fruits of today's labors:
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I suppose I'll still have a job after this gets read. Honestly, I'm more worried about taking an unprofessional tone than I am about the actual content. I'm fairly confident of my skills, and feel that my shortcomings pale by comparison. But for some reason the shortcoming section sounds more serious and dire than the preceding paragraphs. Oh, well... I've already emailed it to Mr. Boss Man, so there's no going back.
Speaking of backs...

Mannersized at
11:15 AM ~
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